Coming "Clean"

I am a shattered individual. I have not been true to myself in the past. I have lied and pretended, repressed feelings, and have had self loathing. Why you ask? Because I have tried to follow the model of a conservative sexuality having relationships with those I am not actually attracted in the least bit. I have been so pressured and beaten down by mental torture that has been self induced while attempting to follow the hate and rhetoric certain Christian faiths and Christianity in general. I am separating Christ from Christianity because they have been totally separated from the beginning. Christ is not supposed to be hate, but Christianity is full of it like many other religions.
I am convinced that while religion can help some, I believe more often than not it is a poison to the soul. Self -deprecating, denial, and self- loathing are part of all religions. Some may argue with this, but honestly, haven't you personally felt unworthy of love because you have done something that someone else says it wrong. It is an acceptance issue. While some faiths preach acceptance, there are ALWAYS conditions. Think about it. If you are on the fringe, face it, you are on the outside. You have to deny what you know in your heart is true to be accepted by them. Maybe you know what is right for you, but maybe they have mentally beaten it into that you are wrong...can you decipher the truth?

The issue at hand, my issue, is that I do not fit in because I am afraid of people finding out my "dirty, dark secrets". If I allow myself to become too involved or too exposed to them, I am afraid of the truth slipping out. They would not accept the true me. I would be thought sinful. They would love me because they want to do something good and that they feel is morally right for them to love a sinner. Love and acceptance are two total different things in this world.

Okay, world, this is it. This is the issue ripping me apart, so it comes out in other ways negatively. I hurt myself because of it.
To some, it may not seem bad, but the worlds I have been exposed to, it is. My reality of friends and family is mostly non accepting and it breaks me inside that they have no tolerance of the true me.

I love androgyny, period. I do not want to have relationships anymore with men that I am not attracted to. I do not want to be fake anymore. I want the truth. I am dying inside because of repression and depression. I hate myself because I feel somehow my sexuality is evil and that I am going to hell, though I do not even believe in hell. I am still a "what if" thinker. What if they are right and I have to lie to myself, separate myself from ultimate happiness, lie to everyone else, and hate myself for eternity. I constantly hear "Life here on earth is short and eternity is forever with God or worse, without."
Though I have NEVER been conventional, I have always sort of wanted to be in a way. I have always just wanted to be loved. I love my "oddities" and I am now accepting myself as who I am, the way I am, and ways that I can better me.

I have to start standing up for myself and everyone else going through experiences similar to mine. I always hear "America is turning into Sodom and Gomorrah". I am crushed with contradictory feelings in believing in anything at all because of the pressure. I know that being gay, bisexual, trans, or anything other straight is NOT a sin. I am sorry, but I know that is the truth !

Anyway, what happened to this acceptance that Jesus spoke of. It was technically Paul that said homosexuality was wrong in the new testament, but he also spoke against marriage. Isn't the Christian right getting married? Explain this to me. In the Bible, in the same chapter is says that homosexuality is a stoneable offense, but you were also supposed to stone rebellious teens, non virgins, etc. In the old testament, your daughter was worth as much as as camel (or two) and you could "put your wife away" if she was not a good wife. Why are some parts accepted and others not? What about Christians getting a divorce and remarrying?

I have always felt more male then female. As a result, I go from extremes. I either dress and try to make mysefl seem more feminine or dress comfortable in androgynous all over. I have always been attracted to effeminate men. It is a running joke in my family that they knew something was wrong with me because the first person I ever walked to was Boy George's image on the television. This is something that is inborn. It is not a choice. Maybe for some it is because it is controversial or fun or risky or rebellion, what have you, but for me, this is life. I need an effeminate man to balance my masculinity. I need balance; don't we all want balance in my heart, soul, body, and mind?

I have had attractions to women definitely, but I am more attracted to a men who are extremely effeminate, cross dressing, and tends to be bisexual, transgender, transsexual, transvestite, or gay. Muscular, masculine men not only frighten me, but repulse me. I find it so nauseating because I have hidden who I am, so I formed a hatred of what I consider the enemy. In truth, masculinity in men  intimates me, I do not know how to relate and I am not sexually attracted at all. I have dated many masculine men and I find myself distant or too sexual with them because I just want to avoid anything at a core level. If I block out who I am with because of their personality, appearance, and attitude through the sex I have. It is hollow and meaningless; not a lot of thought process except the guilt afterwards. I know it sounds odd, but that is how I dealt with it. I became hyper sexual because I wanted to prove to myself that I was straight and  "normal". While the whole time, it has  chipped even more against my self esteem and soul. I have even had issues taking care of me as a person, my appearance, including weight, health, and more. I have stopped caring for anything else the way I should. I have tried to complete suicide more times the I would like to say; and for what? Because I accepted someone else's believe of the way I should conduct my life while ruining my self esteem. I am not allowing myself to be hurt like this anymore.

The only thing is that I want to be happy. I have been diluting myself over the years pretending. This is the end of pretending. This is the beginning of living.