Saturday, February 26, 2011

A Gender AND Sexuality In Question?

One of the first questions asked by parents who are having a baby is "What's the gender?" By this answer, we manage to determine the true gender AND sexuality of the child on this sole piece of information that is merely visual. We forget that biology, nature, or nurture may have an effect on this person and the outcome of these not so easily defined characteristics.
From the earliest times that I can remember, I mostly enjoyed being a tomboy. I did have feminine qualities, but what is a true feminine quality? Do we equate compassion and love with being solely female qualities?
I played with both gender geared toys and had friends of both genders without a problem.
I tended to prefer dolls because I enjoyed dress up, hair brushing, and a general love for the little dolls. I also liked driving them around with dump trucks and building and constructing houses for them. It sounds perfectly normal, correct? Well, now as an adult (and even as a teen), I have not fit nice and neatly into the gender and sexuality box. I possess both qualities for male and female human beings (human being is the operative word here) and I will not apologize for it.
I shouldn’t have to apologize for what is natural, normal, and healthy.
I have a tendency to be attracted to lovely, dark, attributes in males that I am interested in. I prefer very effeminate men as partners and I am nearly almost always attracted to someone who is gender and sexuality neutral, as well. I prize androgyny and I am tired of saying that I am sorry about it.
I have often wondered if, indeed, I was "born in the wrong body". Understanding biology first and putting religious beliefs on a back burner has proven this that is possible. This idea is only considered sinful if you are religious or tend to be caught up in religious morality. To me, this is equated to believing a child (or parent) is a sinful because someone is born with spina bifida or cerebral palsy. One is a birth defect from neural tube defects that may be caused by deficiencies, the other tends to be due to lack of oxygen during birth. Both are tremendously devastating and most people are not that ignorant anymore to blame that person for something that is totally out of their control. They have not sinned. It is biology.
So, the leading question is, why are we still pointing the finger at people who do not fit in boxes neatly, especially those with gender and sexuality differences? One of the answers: people make us nervous who go against the grain or go against what we have been taught is normal. Another option could be is that some are just prejudice, bigots who still hold racism and sexism high and valued in their minds and actions. Some questions are easier to answer than others.
I do know this. Those who do not fit in the status quo box of normality need to stop apologizing for being uniquely them. It is seldom easy to go against the grain to find truth, but worth it. It is okay not to define one's self as male or female, heterosexual or homosexual. Sexuality and gender are more fluid then a lot of people like to admit.
So, I will continue to be gender bending and androgynous. I will continue being attracted to and loving those who are the same. I will continue to love those who are not the same, especially those who hate me. I will love, period. For those who are struggling, it becomes better everyday that you live in truth and honesty. Bigotry is real, but so is love and acceptance. Find those who love you and accept you the way you are.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

The Rape And Murder Of The Innocent For Our Own Selfish Gain And Pleasure Charading As Rights.

I'm sick, sad, and heart broken for those who cannot defend themselves..I should have went to bed, but I had to watch those videos and read those articles...
Has the world gone insane? Is there no compassion for life itself? Why do we continue to hurt every creature possible? Sometimes, I do not think that I belong here anymore. I am just too sensitive and heart breaks at every injustice. I am not giving up, though. I am going to fight now more then ever. Why do people take and take and seldom give and use humans and animals for their own selfish devices? I feel like I am going to be physically sick to match my emotional and psychological sickness of what I just have witnessed...Why are we so selfish, exploitive, and cruel?
I am resigned that I am so sensitive for important purposes and those purposes are to create awareness and fairness among other vital things.
Who are we to take an animal's life to eat it's corpse? Who are we to decide what the definition of life is?
I am Pro Choice on every topic of humanity..because that is freedom. With that comes accountability. Freedom to choose is the most valuable asset we have. Have you ever seen partial birth abortions being performed? Have you ever seen what really goes on at a slaughterhouse? We have the freedom to choose and we also have the freedom of being cruel, thoughtless, and horrible. In the name of selfishness...keep on being willfully ignorant. In the name of selfishness...keep on murdering the innocent. Eat meat and drink milk if you choose, but know the consequencs of your actions and the innocent live you have taken. Stand up for the right do to with your body what you will, but do not use partial birth abortion or saline as a way to abort. There are other more humane ways.  Educate yourself on everything you can, then you can make a kind, thoughtful choice, but do not be willfully ignorant. Please stop and think of what you are truly supporting.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Ever Wonder?...

Why are conservatives not okay with abortion, but push the death penalty. In my mind, it is an absolute contradiction. Isn't life supposed to be ever so important to them? With especially those with a religious faith, why would you murder someone? Isn't that against their moral code to kill someone? In effect, you are just as guilty of murder as that murderer who is sitting on death row because you are exacting death for a death. Killing someone is killing no matter how you look at it.  In Christianity, Christ said an eye for an eye was obsolete and incorrect. Why do some only accept parts of their religious texts and not others. It seems like a pick, piece together, and choose your own religion to me.

Standing Up For What Is Right, Though Not Popular

Granted, I am a sensitive person. Some see that as weakness, bur I see it as great strength because I care about what is going on in the world and want to help. I would rather be sensitive then not to feel sympathy or empathy.

I have always felt that there is great injustices like racism, bigotry, discrimination, elitism, speciesism, oppression, unjust bias, sexism, prejudice, fanaticism, dogmatism, and other forms of hatred and misinformation about others in this world that are poison to lives whether you are the hater or hated.
When people have this narrow-minded view point on issues, it is hard to argue with them. Many of them are rude, arrogant, and hurtful because, let's face it, they just are not as progressed as someone who isn't a hate monger. So, the best way to deal with these people is to lead by example in many cases. Hopefully, they can see their error and become compassionate.

It is hard not to have bias as a human. Nurture and nature do play a lot in to it, of course. If you have had incorrect ideas that you were raised with, change them. As far as nature, I do not believe that we are born with hate. It is a learned behavior that goes back to nurture. It is okay to step out of the box that you were/are stifled it. Free yourself with knowledge. Learn as much as you can to become a positive, honest person.

Keeping your head in the sand helps no one, including yourself. Helping others saves you in effect. It gives you purpose and makes you a part of something bigger than you could ever imagine. Speak up for those who have had their voices taken away or cannot speak for themselves.
If we each only had a little more tolerance for those we come in contact with, the world would be a better place.

Standing up for what is right, true, moral, and ethical is not always the most popular, if popular at all, but it is worth it because you are important and so are others.

Make your voice heard!

Coming "Clean"

I am a shattered individual. I have not been true to myself in the past. I have lied and pretended, repressed feelings, and have had self loathing. Why you ask? Because I have tried to follow the model of a conservative sexuality having relationships with those I am not actually attracted in the least bit. I have been so pressured and beaten down by mental torture that has been self induced while attempting to follow the hate and rhetoric certain Christian faiths and Christianity in general. I am separating Christ from Christianity because they have been totally separated from the beginning. Christ is not supposed to be hate, but Christianity is full of it like many other religions.
I am convinced that while religion can help some, I believe more often than not it is a poison to the soul. Self -deprecating, denial, and self- loathing are part of all religions. Some may argue with this, but honestly, haven't you personally felt unworthy of love because you have done something that someone else says it wrong. It is an acceptance issue. While some faiths preach acceptance, there are ALWAYS conditions. Think about it. If you are on the fringe, face it, you are on the outside. You have to deny what you know in your heart is true to be accepted by them. Maybe you know what is right for you, but maybe they have mentally beaten it into that you are wrong...can you decipher the truth?

The issue at hand, my issue, is that I do not fit in because I am afraid of people finding out my "dirty, dark secrets". If I allow myself to become too involved or too exposed to them, I am afraid of the truth slipping out. They would not accept the true me. I would be thought sinful. They would love me because they want to do something good and that they feel is morally right for them to love a sinner. Love and acceptance are two total different things in this world.

Okay, world, this is it. This is the issue ripping me apart, so it comes out in other ways negatively. I hurt myself because of it.
To some, it may not seem bad, but the worlds I have been exposed to, it is. My reality of friends and family is mostly non accepting and it breaks me inside that they have no tolerance of the true me.

I love androgyny, period. I do not want to have relationships anymore with men that I am not attracted to. I do not want to be fake anymore. I want the truth. I am dying inside because of repression and depression. I hate myself because I feel somehow my sexuality is evil and that I am going to hell, though I do not even believe in hell. I am still a "what if" thinker. What if they are right and I have to lie to myself, separate myself from ultimate happiness, lie to everyone else, and hate myself for eternity. I constantly hear "Life here on earth is short and eternity is forever with God or worse, without."
Though I have NEVER been conventional, I have always sort of wanted to be in a way. I have always just wanted to be loved. I love my "oddities" and I am now accepting myself as who I am, the way I am, and ways that I can better me.

I have to start standing up for myself and everyone else going through experiences similar to mine. I always hear "America is turning into Sodom and Gomorrah". I am crushed with contradictory feelings in believing in anything at all because of the pressure. I know that being gay, bisexual, trans, or anything other straight is NOT a sin. I am sorry, but I know that is the truth !

Anyway, what happened to this acceptance that Jesus spoke of. It was technically Paul that said homosexuality was wrong in the new testament, but he also spoke against marriage. Isn't the Christian right getting married? Explain this to me. In the Bible, in the same chapter is says that homosexuality is a stoneable offense, but you were also supposed to stone rebellious teens, non virgins, etc. In the old testament, your daughter was worth as much as as camel (or two) and you could "put your wife away" if she was not a good wife. Why are some parts accepted and others not? What about Christians getting a divorce and remarrying?

I have always felt more male then female. As a result, I go from extremes. I either dress and try to make mysefl seem more feminine or dress comfortable in androgynous all over. I have always been attracted to effeminate men. It is a running joke in my family that they knew something was wrong with me because the first person I ever walked to was Boy George's image on the television. This is something that is inborn. It is not a choice. Maybe for some it is because it is controversial or fun or risky or rebellion, what have you, but for me, this is life. I need an effeminate man to balance my masculinity. I need balance; don't we all want balance in my heart, soul, body, and mind?

I have had attractions to women definitely, but I am more attracted to a men who are extremely effeminate, cross dressing, and tends to be bisexual, transgender, transsexual, transvestite, or gay. Muscular, masculine men not only frighten me, but repulse me. I find it so nauseating because I have hidden who I am, so I formed a hatred of what I consider the enemy. In truth, masculinity in men  intimates me, I do not know how to relate and I am not sexually attracted at all. I have dated many masculine men and I find myself distant or too sexual with them because I just want to avoid anything at a core level. If I block out who I am with because of their personality, appearance, and attitude through the sex I have. It is hollow and meaningless; not a lot of thought process except the guilt afterwards. I know it sounds odd, but that is how I dealt with it. I became hyper sexual because I wanted to prove to myself that I was straight and  "normal". While the whole time, it has  chipped even more against my self esteem and soul. I have even had issues taking care of me as a person, my appearance, including weight, health, and more. I have stopped caring for anything else the way I should. I have tried to complete suicide more times the I would like to say; and for what? Because I accepted someone else's believe of the way I should conduct my life while ruining my self esteem. I am not allowing myself to be hurt like this anymore.

The only thing is that I want to be happy. I have been diluting myself over the years pretending. This is the end of pretending. This is the beginning of living.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

"As A Rape Survivor, Oh, Wait! It Was Date Rape, So I Really Wasn't Raped..."


Who are you to tell a victim that they are not a victim because it

 doesn't meet their sick, twisted idea of forced rape?!?!

I know, a Republic!

It disgusts me and apparently my trauma isn't important to a right

 winger because it doesn't meet their criteria.

 I would not wish what I have been through on anyone, but

 their God forbid it would happen to them or a loved one!

I would honestly like to known what I could have done differently

 in that situation...oh, yeah, potentially loose my life!

Mmmm, deal with aftermath of the horror or be dead.

Fighting is not always an option with a someone whom you have

 just sickeningly discovered a sociopath.

Though, I have wished many times for death, I am so glad to fight

 idiots that think that they know what happened to be better than I


According to Republican Speaker Boehner and House Republicans'

 date rape isn't rape...

Since when do we say, "Oh, you weren't really raped because you

 'apparently intentionally' drank something with GHB"?!?!"

or "Well, you turned him on and it is your fault he dated raped

 you"!?!?! or...the list goes on!

Stand up for victims and do not violate them again by saying that

 they were not "technically" raped!

I truly believe that they are undermining me as an individual and as

 a human just so they can take away more rights for their almighty

 moral agenda.

 Look up the meaning of right wing moral agendas

 and the term

fascism coincides.

How Could Democracy Be A Virus?

I am appalled at John McCain's statement that democracy and the need for a fair government a virus.

It is quite evident that the right wing still wants to take away our freedoms as an individual and government.

The freedom to choice is one of the most basic of human rights.

Yes, though I do not like it, even Republicans have the choice to stay ignorant!

58 Seconds To Nudity..A Slight Rant

I am a very kind and relatively easy going person, but I have a few annoyances with some social networking sites.
I tend to get several IM invites or web cam invites. I am not hesitant to chat most of the time because, though I tend to be slightly reclusive, I am quite social a good portion of the time. I love making new friends, discussing ideas, and sharing common interests. Yes, I am single and I would like to have a significant other, BUT PLEASE!, AFTER KNOWING ME FOR 58 SECONDS I AM NOT GOING TO SHOW YOU MY BREASTS AND I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR PENIS!

I instantly become suspicious if someone has a web cam photo of themselves without a shirt with the backdrop of a bedroom. (Maybe I am a glutton for punishment for even trying to be cordial, but I try to get 98% of the world the benefit of the doubt.)
Perhaps they see that I am overweight, maybe thinking that I do have lower self esteem, or because I am nice individual who generally likes people, or very approachable, slightly darker in personality than the average individual that must apparently read easy, or  fill in the blanks. Who knows?

The interesting thing is that these are not even fetish sites or other various 'nefarious' *wink* sites.
Another annoyance is that certain individuals attempt to place me in a stereotype of women who like stereotypically ultra masculine, muscular guys. (I do believe most of the pictures, though, are not accurate to the person's actual appearance on the profiles, but if you have to lie about your appearance there are some deeper issues there that you should seriously have to analyze.) This is NOT me. My gender and sexual orientation are NOT the conservative, black and white, one way or the other stereotypical model. I love androgyny and gender-bending men.  I do definitely look on the inside first (judging by your ability to have a conversation and interests) actually, but do not think you are going to attract me by saying that you can bench press 500 lbs, have the ability to smash an aluminum can on your forehead, lay in tanning beds, have a big penis, or blah, blah, blah. Frankly, that's good for you, but I am so uninterested in that! I know this is harsh, but I have to be true to myself and honest upfront.
Enough with the bullshit pretenses and vanity crap already! It is incredibly annoying. 

Yes, I love the dark aesthetic, PVC, thigh high boots, fish nets, navel piercings, electrical tape, and a nice little black dress on an attractive guy, but who doesn't right? *grin* It doesn't make me easy that I have an inclination towards these particular outward attractors. It also does not mean that it is a requirement, either. Attraction is more than appearance. It definitely helps, but be realistic. Eventually, outward "beauty" fades and I am not looking for perfection. I also am not looking for a friend with benefits, cyber sex, phone sex, causal sex, and etc.

I am certainly not a prude, obviously. So, do not accuse of being one just because I have developed boundaries and self respect and love.

One of  most important things is that it is important to please by yourself while respecting yourself, and respecting me!
Another thing,  please, at least, skim my bio before you attempt to proposition me! If you are a right wing,  non vegan, non animal loving, conservative with  pseudo religious tendencies, yes, I will talk to you and perhaps befriend you (I am open-minded to those I encounter initially and I 97% of the time, still will be) but expect nothing more. Treat me with respect and you will receive it likewise.  

Another important thing to remember is in attracting someone is the common interests, causes, and beliefs that you share!
You have to be able to have good conversations that are mentally stimulating and interesting. Appearances are important to a degree, but you have to actually like the person at a core level that you are trying to pursue. Like I said, outward "beauty" fades; concentrate on the inward beauty and self development!
So, if you are looking for someone and attempting to base a relationship on sex, it will most likely fail.

Love yourself more than that!

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Illegal Filesharing And Downloading Are Stealing.

A lot of people choose to use download programs or social media sites that allow one to "share" information in favor of buying the media. This practice is killing the music industry's artists, especially those who may be "underground" and/or not as well known. It is hurting authors, writers, and artists
Sometimes I  wonder if people actually understand that it is not only stealing from the artist, but actually making it non cost effective for artists to record, tour, write, or even make ends meet. This is their livelihoods.

People tend to think "Well, it is just this song" or "It is just one manga". You have to realize that you are not the only one who is thinking like that. Millions are thinking that their actions are not causing harm because they believe the myth that only one person cannot contribute to society and it's behavior, good nor bad.

Certain social medias give one the option of previewing and/or listening to music, reading a book, watching a video, or what have you. This can be great as long as you actually buy what you are listening to. Do not let your "You...Video" channel be your only source of the music or video. Do not rely on it as your only means of listening or viewing. You need to support them, especially if you claim to be a fan.

Other illegal file sharing programs are just plain piracy. Being a theft is not cool, cost effective, moral, or ethical. Shouldn't that be obvious moral character behavior and thought to know? 

Some may say that the artist is making ample money and it will not hurt to have an "ILLEGAL" collection (keyword being "Illegal"...) of that artist. My response is that it is the creators of what you are using need to receive payment because it is rightfully owned by them!

This is your moral responsibility, especially if you consider yourself a "fan"!